The Hilary Davidson Challenge: The Man Who Would Be Sting

The Hilary Davidson Challenge: 

The Man Who Would Be Sting 
by Paul D. Brazill

Kenny Cokehead came into the world whining and snivelling and he hasn't stopped since. ‘The thing is,I’ve got nowt against The Police,’ says Kenny . His nose is dripping blood and he’s using a wad of napkins that he TWOCed from Balti Towers Indian Restaurant to stem the flow.

‘When he was singing about shagging prozzies and schoolgirls, old Stink was alright. But then he went all Guardian reader. Feed the Whales and that.’

It’s midday and Astros Bar is half empty. Just The Usual Suspects: waifs and strays, flotsam and jetsam, odds and sods. I’m nursing a pint of  Stella and Kenny’s coming down after a King-Dong-long weekend.

'I mean,if I hear one more friggin’ gravelly voiced acoustic guitarist singing about fields of  friggin’ barley I’ll shoot my fuckin' ears off like that Welsh painter, Vincent Van Go Go Goch.’

Kenny usually is to musical criticism what Christy Brown was to Ker-Plunk but he’s got a point.We took over Astros after the previous owner went  AWOL. Well, okay, Kenny croaked him but that’s another story. So, Kenny keeps coming up with these brainwaves about getting more punters in and his latest is music nights. After a week of auditions, we’ve seen about twenty Gordon Sumner copycats and about ten Katie Mealy-moutheds.

‘I mean, how the fuck does she know how many bikes there are in Peking?’ says Kenny. He’s in a conversation loop but there’s no change there.

The door opens and a dark haired woman walks in. She prowls towards the bar. She’s  ninety  per cent femme fatale and one hundred per cent man.

Ava Banana,the town’s most popular drag act, buys a pint of bitter and sits down next to us.

‘I heard that you boys might have an opening for me to slip into,’ says Ava, knocking back the pint in one.

* * *

After a bit of to and fro Kenny accepts that Ava won't bring in too much of ‘the wrong sort’ and will bring in dosh. We don’t even ask for an audition, just  start advertising 'Ava Banana. Chanteuse & Floozy.'

Cut to one week later. The place is more packed than  Kathleen Turner’s lunchbox. It’s  half an hour to kick-off and Ava hasn’t turned up. We’re in the office  coping with the stress by tooting a bit of happy talc when the door opens.

I look up and see a vaguely familiar,unshaven man in a striped t-shirt, carrying a guitar case. 

‘Ava?’ I say.

‘Aye,’ says Ava.

‘But..?’

‘Oh, I didn’t think that Astros’ punters would want all that Shirley Bassey cobblers so I thought I’d show them my other side.’ He winks.

‘I thought I’d kick off with ‘Fields Of ...’

As Kenny punches him in the throat he makes a load whining noise which doesn’t sound much like Sting but does, it must be said, bare more that a passing resemblance to ‘Rust Never Sleeps’ period Neil Young.

The end.

Steve Weddle set this challenge a couple of weeks ago, here.

The task was to write a story of around 500 words and include Neil Young and Ava Gardner in the story. The prize is a copy of Hilary Davidson's 'The Damage Done'

The Man Who Would Be Sting is a sort of sequel to my story 'The Sharpest Tools In The Box', which was in Needle Magazine #1.